It’s been one hell of a year. And I know people usually say that like it’s a good thing but that’s not how I mean it. This year has literally been like my own personal hell in some ways. It’s been a year that completely broke me, not in very good ways. Through all of it the one resounding thing that came out is that I need to learn to love myself.
I lost myself this year. In a year that was meant to be all about finding out who I was, I actually lost who I was. I didn't love my God or myself well. I compromised on things I never thought I would. I made so many mistakes and fell so many times, and still God's grace in that is astounding.
That in the midst of my mess this year, He would provide me with 3 of the best friends I ever had is His grace and love alone. They're the kind of friends I've been praying for, the ones who show up for me when I hit the floor, and I couldn't have got through without them.
That in the midst of my sin He would tell me how much He loves me is grace I don't deserve.
That in the midst of a broken relationship He would still allow
moments of laughter and happiness and love is grace far beyond what I should know.
And so that's what 2016 is about - it's about finding myself again. It's about living my true identity. It's about letting God build me back up again in the Truth. He taught me this year what love and what grace truly look like - and so that's what I want my life to be. Next year I want to learn to love myself and have grace for myself. Next year I want to love others and have grace for them as He has for me. I don't want to lose myself in the midst of the hecticness, but I want my identity to be solely based in Him, only found in Him.
It means some painful goodbyes. It means letting go of some stuff I've been using to cope. But God won't leave me there. He promises that those who lay down their lives for His sake, those who lose their lives for His sake actually find their lives. So that’s what I’m going to try to do. I’m going to try to lose myself not in the negative way I did this year, but in a way that lets Jesus in. That lets Him in to heal me and restore me, to make me who I was always meant to be.
It’s painful, yes. There are people and things I don’t want to give up, goodbye’s I don’t know how to say, and yet, Jesus will meet me there, because He always does. He won’t leave me unable to breathe, or without hope. He’ll give me space for healing. He’ll fill me with His grace every time the enemy tries to throw my mistakes in my face. He’ll show me my true identity and give me the strength to live it. That’s all I know.
2015 – You sucked. Here’s to a better year next time around.