Dear Future Husband,
I’ve gotta be honest with you. Nothing in me wants to believe you exist right now. I think that’s just a by-product of this past year, and everything I’ve been through. But that’s where I’m at – trying to remember that you’re still out there, but feeling like you mustn’t be and even if you are – I’m never going to get myself together enough for you.
I fell in love. I chose to love. I chose to trust. We planned our lives. And then it all broke right in front of me. And the trust was gone, and half the time I have to convince myself I wasn’t the only one loving. I thought he was you. So badly I wanted him to be you. I felt God saying he was. But then everything changed, and I still don’t know why or how, I still don’t have any answers, all I have is this knowledge that you must still be out there.
I don’t know what it’s going to look like now. I can only imagine that when I meet you, I’ll be more fearful than ever before, because love is a risk I don’t feel like taking anymore. I can only imagine that when we’re together, it’s going to take me a long time to trust you, because once trust has been broken, it’s hard to forget that. I can only imagine that when I meet you, memories are going to keep flooding my mind for a while, because so many things will remind me of him and me.
But then there’s a part of me that thinks maybe it’ll be nothing like I’m imagining. Maybe it’ll be so much better because that’s the God we serve; a God Who is faithful to keep His promises. A God whose Love heals me, and never ever hurts me. Maybe it’ll be better because you wont be that guy. You wont be the one to destroy me. You wont be the one to break all your promises and break all my trust. I know you wont be perfect, and praise God for that, coz I sure as hell am not either. But I believe that when you say you’ll love me, you’ll show it with your actions every day. I believe that I’ll be able to trust you, because you’ll give me no reason to ever question you, and honesty will never be optional with you. I believe that God is going to use us, and the things we’ve been through individually and together to help and encourage and strengthen others.
I don’t know who you are. I’m still on this journey of letting God heal my heart. There are many moments I don’t believe you’re out there. In almost every moment I still miss him and have to convince myself all over again he’s not you. But I’ll get there. And I’ll keep praying for you. And I’ll keep striving to become the woman God always intended me to be, so that together, we can accomplish all He has for us.
I’ll keep hoping for you, my love. I’ll stop convincing myself I’ll never love again. I’ll stop thinking I’m never going to be held again. I’ll stop convincing myself I’ll never dance again, or have my forehead kissed again. I’ll stop convincing myself I’ll never have someone to pray with again, and worship God with again. I’ll stop telling myself it was my fault, and start trusting that God has a plan and a purpose. And when it’s right, all of those things will come about. And you’ll pursue me and fight for me in the ways God always intended me to be pursued and fought for.
I’ll hold you in the light.