There’s a story behind these coffee mugs that only you and I know. They were bought for us, one was always intended for you, my best friend. And since they were bought, they’ve sat in the top of my cupboard, just waiting for the day you were here with me. Now they serve as the reminder that you were meant to be here beside me.
The thing is, nothing in life prepared me for the day I would lose you, my best friend. Nobody ever told me that I would meet you, and not only would you be my best friend, but I’d fall in love with you, plan a future with you, and then have to say goodbye. I wish I could say I had the answers for us. I wish I could say I knew how to grieve well, how to let you go and how to move forward with my life. I don’t have those answers, baby. All I have is how I’m getting through.
I’m getting through by letting myself grieve. By letting myself ugly cry, or be angry, or feel hopeless. I’m letting myself feel whatever I have to, and then I’m trying hard not to stay in those moments. I’m trying to keep living my life.
But it’s really hard without you, my best friend, by my side. No matter where I am or what I’m doing, I miss you. It can be the smallest thing that’ll happen and it will just trigger all our memories. There’s this quote I love. Someone wrote in to IYFTE and said this: “it’s living daily, a single occupancy, in a life that was made for two.” And that’s how it feels. It feels like as much as I can figure this out on my own, I can find a life that will keep me busy by myself, but this life was always made for two.
Before you I would read that quote, and I’d think how nice it would be. I’d think two was better than one. But I really had no idea, just a picture in my mind of what it would be like, how it would feel. It was so much better than I imagined. Because you were my best friend. And as hard as it would get, two really was better than one. And everything, even the little things, like grocery shopping was so much more fun because you were by my side.
So no, nothing prepared me for the day I would lose you. Nothing makes the grief easier or the pain go away. Maybe it’d be easier if I got rid of the coffee mugs. Maybe it’d be easier if I sent you the letters, returned the clothes. But deep down, there’s a part of me that still wants to hope. And so, the coffee mugs stay. And they remind me that we existed, that we mattered. They remind me to pray, to ask God for that second chance we both always wanted.
I miss you every second, best friend. I’m still learning how to breathe without you. I’m still learning how to live a life single that was always made for two.
I love you and you love me more and I love you more.
The light is still on for you.